I am a horrible, horrible person.....

I cannot remember when it was last I felt so bad
There must have been quite a number of occasions..
But at least most of them were due to pure stupidity
Most of them deal with day to day life
Things that go wrong and you just blame it on life's circumstances...
But this.........
I feel so horrible.....
How could I possibly have done it?
Lied right to her face?
She knew I was lying, I could see it in her eyes..
I could even feel myself looking uncertain when I tried to come up with something..
I tried to look deep into her eyes but I could not
I ended up staring at the paper I was holding...
Some people told me that I was bad at lying..
But I should not have to lie in the first place..
Why Yi Wei??? WHY???!!!!!!!!!
I did talk to the lady earlier, but I just could not remember the details because I did not jot it down. That was a week ago now...
That is not an excuse... I knew then that I did not know what was going on...
I had a tutorial to go to...but I should have gone to the ward again to sort the story out..
I did not...
I lied
I tried to create a story that wasn't there
I lied..... I lied......
And she knew I was lying...
I made up a history.......
I am sorry..

Food!!! I love food... There were 10 dishes - 2 dishes of stir fried vege (pak choy and kangkung), 2 dishes of roast duck, 2 dishes of chicken cooked in different Malaysian chinese style, barbecue pork ribs, their tauhu speciality dish, ?veal and FISH!!!!... Oh, there were 10 of us ler...




We went to the Cavern Club where many famous bands once played before they got famous. The band that was playing when we were there was really good... Loved it... Nice environment too... Had couple of drinks there (was forced to drink by Gee)



This is the Cavern Club's Wall of Fame.. These are the names of people who once played there... Oasis mou?!!




Go to Liverpool of course must visit their Liverpool FC store ler... No other particular reason.. It IS the main attraction for football fans...



That's their Chinatown.... According to Gee, it's one of the biggest in the whole of UK... Dunno if he's for real..maybe he syok sendiri only... As usual ler.. Nothing new...






Drinking again!! Was forced... Hiihih... all the drinking was before the great dinner we had (the first pic).
We went home after dinner and resumed drinking... Then Gee brought us to a club but was declined entree because he was wearing his trainers... HAhaha... Then we went club hopping... Was great fun...




Nothing has changed about Gee.. Still the same old gila person as before... Anyway, thanks for having us there.... :p

Yey!!

Hey hey!!!!
I assisted in a spontaneous delivery...
Mother is so pretty
Her relationship with her partner is so sweet
The baby is so pretty
I am soo happy..
and so tired...
and I got my book signed... ;p
After this, I am not sure if I want a spontaneous one or should I just opt for C-section...

My Teddy Baby...

I miss you soooo much, Teddy!!!! *Hugzzzz

Take That - How deep is your love - live 2006

One of my all-time favourites...

I remember my cousin's husband-to-be at that time sang this song to her during their wedding day. Obviously he was not the only one singing. There were 3 of them, the other two were his best men. They had their glasses on and they sang whole heartedly with gestures and full of expression. It was rather….well... out-of-tune... But who cares!!!!
It was soooooo sweet...

It has been a few years now and soon, it is my own sister's wedding. I do not know what my exact feelings were when I first heard the news. I was definitely very excited
However, when the news slowly sank into my puny ( sure kena zhat for this.. though small, I am still the smartest k??) brain, I felt as though situation had threatened the relationship between me and my sister. I was afraid that our relationship will not be as strong. I would not be the first person she would turn to anymore… not when she has her own husband.

We were close ever since we were young.
She was someone I shared everything with.
She was the nice one while I was the evil one.
I would always bully her and get her into trouble.
I am sorry for all the mistakes I had made before..
I remember pulling her hair
I remember pinning her down onto the bed and sitting on her
I remember shouting at her
I remember lying to her

Despite that, she was always there for me.
Regardless of the situation;
Whether it was one of my glorious moments or when I was down in the dumps
She would still be there for me....
I do not know if you know how much you mean to me...
Even I cannot put it into words

Things might be different, and I am sure they will
You would have a husband whom you would turn to when problems arise
You would have your own room and I would be left in our old room alone
You would have your own life
You would eventually have your own kids and spend most of your time with your own family

But please be sure that
Some things do not change.

I will not change
I will still be there for you
My respect for you will never change
My love for you will never change.
Most importantly, our relationship will never change
That I promise you..
Love you soooo much
And will always do

Thank you so much for all the support you had given me. I know I have the best sister in the world.

Sis

Take That - Shine

Take that mou?!! Weeee.... Love them...

Rank Specialty Score

Saw this KY's blog... I think it is quite true!!!


1 general surgery 46
2 urology 45
3 plastic surgery 45
4 gastroenterology 45
5 general internal med 44
6 allergy & immunology 44
7 otolaryngology 44
8 orthopaedic surgery 43
9 ophthalmology 43
10 neurology 43
11 pulmonology 43
12 dermatology 42
13 neurosurgery 42
14 thoracic surgery 42
15 radiology 42
16 physical med & rehabilitation 41
17 emergency med 41
18 nuclear med 41
19 endocrinology 41
20 cardiology 39
21 hematology 38
22 preventive med 38
23 aerospace med 38
24 pathology 38
25 obstetrics/gynecology 37
26 occupational med 37
27 colon & rectal surgery 37
28 anesthesiology 36
29 family practice 36
30 psychiatry 36
31 nephrology 35
32 radiation oncology 35
33 infectious disease 34
34 med oncology 33
35 rheumatology 33
36 pediatrics 26

Hop.... *Thump!!!

The day starts off awfully
I look out the window
It is cloudy and grey
That does not help much with my mood
I feel like a sloth
Slowly crawling out of my bed
It is times like these when I absolutely despise the fact that my bed is quite high up
I hang my legs down and still could not reach the ground.
Sigh... That is one of the downfalls of being vertically challenged...
I take a deep breath and give it all I've got
I make a little hop
Hop... *Thump
That was me putting on weight.. All the chocolates and sweets in my room are not helping. Stress does not do any good to my eating habit
The whole morning was spent looking at my stagnant computer screen
It is amazing how great I would be if this was a real job
I suppose I can be quite a professional and maybe I would be able to teach people this 'beneficial' skill of mine
No *blink blink... Just eyes wide open and stare...
So that was my morning

At least I had something to look forward to
I participated in a project where we gave out food for the homeless people

I do not think I am as noble as everyone else there
Doing all this with the intention of making people's lives better
I reckon I am doing this because of me, myself
To make me feel better
To make me feel as though I am doing something useful
Or rather, because I have made so many mistakes in the past, inflicting too much pain on people who do not deserve any of it
Maybe, I did it just because I wanted to feel better
To feel as though I had helped
To feel as though I too, can bring joy to people's life

Sorry for being sappy.. That is just how I feel today

However, I have to admit that I definitely feel a lot better after that event.
It feels good....

My first 24h...

Yesterday was the first time I stayed up for 24 hours
Not because of jetlag, clubbing or being busy talking to people.
I was doing something productive...
I was there from 5pm-7am, with a lady who was in pain
Who was struggling every now and then
She took few deep breaths through a tube each time pain decided to pay her a visit
She cried at times when the contractions were too much for her to endure
I checked her stats every half an hour
I checked her living "subject" in her womb every 15 minutes
I was with her during her exciting journey
However, the living "subject" in the womb was too stubborn
He would not budge
He stayed at 9cm for 4 hours
Everyone was concerned for the mother and the "subject"
She finally decided to proceed with the surgery
I assisted and the registrar warned me that it could get quite bloody
I stood there as the surgeon cut the abdomen open
Fluid splattered on all of us with full force (amniotic)
There was an obstruction
Then he cut deeper, and I opened the abdomen as much as possible to assist in the delivery
Before you knew it *ploop*, a baby boy came into the world...
His mother, grand mother and all the other health staff members welcomed him to the world
The day ended with a smile...
Moral of the story : Guys are trouble... :P

The Runaway

I thought I was normal,
I thought I was cool,
I thought I abided by everyones rules...

Now I realize as the time goes by,
I should have thought about everyone else...

For a time they were there,
For a time they all cared,
But then came a time when I just disappeared...

I blocked it all out,
I refused to see,
What I kept all locked up inside of me,
It all seemed so stupid,
It all seemed insane,
But then again I was just the same...

I took it all in and refused to let out,
The frustration inside that would make me bail out,
I didn't think twice about what it would cause,
To me it was over just because...

No other reason,
No answer why,
I didn't care and I didn't know why,
Nothing else mattered,
No one else knew,
But what I was doing could sure make me lose...

I don't know how,
I don't know when,
But one of these years I will win again,
My life is in shambles,
But now I can see,
I'll start to rebuild whats inside of me...

It'll take strength,
It'll take mind,
But whatever it takes I'll be there in time,
I won't be afraid,
I won't be alone,
For whatever it takes I'll learn to condone...

I'll have to move on,
I'll have to get through,
It'll be tough but I'll see my way through,
I've made my mistakes,
Now I know what to do...

I hurt everyone deeply beyond what I knew,
and it was to bad that I bailed out before,
but now I've come home and I'll start to renew,
The love everyone has I put it aside,
But now I'll take part and start to recognize,
All of the love that I've had all along,
Now will come forth and all will be told,
for now i have learned the gift of love and home...


© By Chanda A. Johnson

Studying - Sigh - Jia you!!!

I do not like studying...
Sometimes I wonder why I am in this field..
All the studying that needs to be done...
Like my friend said to me earlier this morning, "It is endless"


Furthermore, with the advancement of technology, things change so quickly
At one point things are a certain way, but 10 years down the road, they no longer are

I had a doctor once tell me that most of the things he studied in medical school are so outdated and a lot of them are do not apply now


Look at all the surgeons..
They learnt to cut people up and fix them inside, and then close the wound up
However, the focus is on laparoscopic technique now
Instead of being able to see and touch the structures, they can only see it through a TV screen and use two long sticks to maneuver through the structures in a patient's body.
All the skills they learnt before had not gone to waste, but is used less often
Eventually those skills will fade


I suppose this does not only apply to medicine
It is very much similar to the path each and everyone of us has to walk
We learn things
We forget things that we once learnt
Then we learn new things.. It is the cycle of life... We do not stop learning


However, some things are not as easy to learn as the others.
We can work as hard as we want for our careers
We can create opportunity where there is none
We can work so hard and in years, we will eventually succeed
We reap what we sow


However, when we deal with another human being, we can never learn
This is because it concerns two people with two different minds
It is difficult to build a friendship
It is more difficult to build a relationship
We can never learn because it involves different people

No one person is the same
No one person feels the same way
No one person thinks the same way
So it is impossible to use our past experiences with someone new
All we can do is just use a general guide and improvise as we go along
We can get to know this new person
We can learn from our experiences with this new person
However, even with that, success is not guaranteed...
Because people do change


Medicine is definitely a very difficult course
Facts are constantly changing and we have to always keep in tip top condition
We always have to be alert and proactive to learn as much as we can

Despite my dislike of studying, I find this job very gratifying
I know I am just a student, but I have a strong feeling that I will love this job
I already love being in the wards
Talking to different people and learning about their lives
Even at this very moment when I have no authority to treat them
I am happy enough
I am happy enough to be in this course
Happy enough to have made it this far
All I can hope is that I can make it further
With that I need to pass this exam..
God bless..

A very nice day...

Today has been a great day.
Sarah asked us to go out hiking and for a picnic with her friends.
Sam and I decided that we would tag along.
I met one of the nicest people today.
There was a dad of two, a 5 year old kid and a 7 year old kid
The two kids were soooooooooooo adorable.
Really, really, really cute...
Maybe the fact that their dad is an Ang Moh and their mother is Punjabi.
And they are both handsome and gorgeous respectively
The dad followed us along with the two kids while their mother stayed at home because she is now pregnant
Dad had a saber fight with his son. His son tapped the saber onto his leg. Dad started limping pretending that his leg was really sore. He limped but the fight continued. It was just so adorable. There was so much love between the father and his sons
It makes me want to have my own children
Small 'yiwei' running around... Jumping up and down, throwing tantrums, making so much noise, asking stupid questions.. No.. No.. That'll be nightmare.. Small 'yiwei' is a menace
Met Ed. He was the one who got the fire going. Good job, Ed. The fire was definitely handy when it got a lot colder.
Had a good chat with another new friend, Kate. She told me about her trip to Thailand
Apart from that, there was Sarah, of course and Ruth
We all had good banter
It was really goood fun. We hiked about 200m and made ourselves some hot chocolate, crisps and brownies!!!
I was so happy to have met all of these people. As we gathered around the fire to warm ourselves, they said prayers. These people were so sincere and they prayed for everyone that they knew who were not in the best situations. Even people whom they just met yesterday. I was really touched by that.


Just before I end this entry, something happened this morning and it definitely taught me a lesson.

I went to the antenatal clinic with Sam in the afternoon. I was supposed to sit in with the consultant tomorrow and I just needed to know if the clinic was on. I saw a nurse passing by. I stopped her and said,

Yi Wei: Hello there.. I was just wondering if the antenatal clinic will be on tomorrow
Nurse : Looking at me and paused for a while
Ummm... May I know if this is for you or is it for your friend?
Yi Wei: Ummm... No no.. You are mistaken. I am not a patient. I am a 4th year
medical student. I am suppose to be in the antenatal clinic
Nurse : She let go a sigh and said... Oh I see...

Moral of the story :

1. Always.. Always and Always.. remember to introduce yourself first before asking any questions..
   
2. I definitely look pretty old. Usually they wouldn't even have thought that I already had my menarche

My Girl [OST] - 사랑은 힘든가봐 (Sarang Eun Him Deun Ga Bwa)

I think this guy looks a little like Justin...